‘The Golden Bachelor’ Premiere Recap: Gerry Turner, 72, Sends Six Women Home Heartbroken

The most upbeat woman made the worst possible choice of pickup lines

Former Chicago Honey Bears cheerleader Renee looked like she had a shot at landing Gerry. Then she broke out the pom-poms and gave him her come-on cheer: “Golden Gerry, you’re my man! Looking golden with that tan! Hope to bring you lots of luck! I’m the girl you want to … marry!” Um … no sale. Bye, Renee!

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Not that the women who did catch Gerry’s eye (and one of his First Impression Roses) were always exactly demure

“I have a birthday tonight,” New Jersey financial services professional Theresa, 69, told Gerry, “so I thought, why not come in my birthday suit?” Then she opened her coat and flashed him — with a far less revealing outfit than she’d led him to believe. Later, she offered him some birthday cake, and he asked if she’d help him if he got any frosting on his lip. So she did. “It’s been forever since I’ve kissed a guy, and it felt incredible,” she reflected later.

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Susan, 66, a Pennsylvania wedding officiant who rocks a pixie hairdo, took the direct approach

“I’m gonna marry you,” she informed Turner. “And by the way Gerry, see these heels? I’m very comfortable with six inches!” One wonders if these ladies had any help from The Golden Bachelor writers.

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In one woman’s case, Gerry has a legendary Romeo’s legacy to live up to

Leslie, 64, the Minneapolis fitness instructor (who really hates mice), introduced herself to Gerry by telling him, “Fun fact: when I was younger I dated Prince, and he wrote 'Sexy Dancer' about me.” Perhaps hoping Gerry knew Prince’s lyrics (“Sexy dancer, when you rub my body / Sexy dancer, it gets me so hot, hot… / I want your body / Sexy dancer, dance!”), she asked Gerry, “Do you like to dance?”

“I am not any good at it, but I like to dance,” replied the Golden Bachelor — he’s game, he’s fun, but self-deprecating. A perfect answer.

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The women had plenty of praise for each other — but the rivalry was palpable

Compliments about earrings and outfits were flying, but mainly the women were sizing up the competition. “My life is really full, but it’s missing a big piece: love,” confessed Leslie. “When I found out Gerry was a bachelor I was like — move over, bitches!”

The most dramatic entrance paid off

Retired Florida teacher Faith, 60, roared up on a motorcycle, took off her helmet and shook her hair with the panache of Ann-Margret, and told Gerry, “If you leave here with me, it’ll be the ride of your life!” It was just as suggestive as Renee’s cheer, Theresa’s birthday suit and Susan’s six-inch comment, but the motorcycle revved up the drama. Also, the song she sang to Gerry had more romantic lyrics than Renee’s cheer: “See you sittin’ here in the night, be the man of my dreams if I’m right.” Gerry was visibly charmed by her beautiful voice and sentiment.

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Sometimes it also pays to be a little silly and a lot flirty

April, 65, was born on a farm, so she brought an Easter basket full of eggs — fresh eggs, get it?— and treated Gerry to her clucking-chicken impression. Her contacts hurt and she fretted about her hair, but April pulled it off with self-confidence, and she got her rose. “I’m a flirt,” she explained after their encounter, “but it’s been 20 years, and I’ve got to get back on my game. Who I was before a caretaker and a matriarch. If this hen doesn’t get a rose, there’s gonna be a lot of hell-raising in the henhouse. I didn’t even get to first base!”

Since she’s a therapist by profession, he asked if she was analyzing him. “Yeah, you’re a very nice guy!” Wise answer.

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And sometimes you just have to be yourself instead of pretending to be someone you’re not

Sandra (pronounced “Sohn-drah”), 75, the retired Georgia executive assistant, was gracious, lovely — and fond of four-letter words. She greeted Gerry by telling him she was nervous to meet him, and she dealt with it by using her Zen practice, which involves deep breaths, and chanting obscenities. “I’m a woman who speaks her mind,” she said. “I like some of those f-words and s-words — a lotta people would say augh! But that’s who I am!”

Sandra was also forthright about what she’s after. “At my age I’m energetic. I’m still connected with my body, and I want intimacy with a guy. Since I haven’t been in love in a long time, I really do need someone to step into my golden years with.”

Her unconventional approach worked, and she’s got another crack at winning the bachelor’s heart.

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Drama? You ain't seen nothing yet

The first episode was fun, but the show will get more gripping as we — and Gerry — get to know the contestants, and they go on dates, racing four-wheelers, taking amusement-park rides, boating, watching fireworks and volcanoes that symbolize reawakening passions. You may find yourself singing along with the soundtrack, “Don’t stop believin’, hang on to that feeling!”