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A Boomer's View
Sorry, Kids: We Made You This Way
It's become a weary trope: Millennials, we are often told, are a pampered cohort sulking in their childhood bedrooms or aimlessly couch surfing in search of personal fulfillment. It's easy to get all judgy about the terrible 22s. But that's just part of the problem. What's truly terrible isn't our kids — it's us, the hyper-attentive parents who made them. Consider the oft-quoted profundity that parents should give children both roots and wings. We seem to have neglected part two.
"Too many of us do some combination of over-directing, overprotecting or overinvolving ourselves in our kids' lives," says Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen and undergraduate advising at Stanford University, in her book, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. "Without experiencing the rougher spots of life, our kids become exquisite, like orchids, yet are incapable, sometimes terribly incapable, of thriving in the real world on their own."
Allow me, please, a moment of time travel. Like half the 21-year-olds I knew, I once hopscotched through Europe after college without my parents knowing my itinerary. (What itinerary?) We had not one transatlantic phone call the entire summer and stayed in touch via postcards and aerograms. When I became a mother myself, I asked my mom if she'd been worried about unsophisticated, North Dakota me cavorting continents away. Her answer was no because she considered me to be reasonably mature. "You were, after all, 21."
When I returned, I settled 1,500 miles away from my parents, without the benefit of their help to find an apartment and job. From my mom, I received care packages of chocolate chip cookies; from my dad, $10 checks until my weekly salary was raised to $100 and he cut me off. Such quaintness is so boomer commonplace, I mention it only for context as I wonder how a generation of rugged individualists aching for adulthood became parents who can't let go.
Here's the grinding truth: In ways our Greatest Generation parents never did, we lust for our children's continuing attention. We love to hang out with our offspring and savor every intimate detail of their lives. As a result, we have all but eliminated the generation gap. "Today's youths are more likely to find greater agreement with their parents than did their counterparts in the 1970s and 1980s," write Richard Settersten and Barbara E. Ray in Not Quite Adults: Why 20-Somethings Are Choosing a Slower Path to Adulthood, and Why It's Good for Everyone. "Young adults today see their parents, and especially their mothers, as a source of not only advice and counsel, but also companionship and comfort."
Modern technology makes it easy to provide all of the above. For many parents, it's standard operating procedure to not only engage their kids in constant text conversation but monitor their every wink via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and a variety of location-tracking apps, allowing these parents to swoop in with roadside assistance at a moment's notice. My friend Claire was recently alarmed when her son in Brooklyn Instagrammed a picture of his car with a freshly bent bumper. "I immediately texted him with advice on what to do and reminded him that I didn't think the neighborhood where he lives is safe," she says. "Am I guilty of overparenting by following his social media feeds? I don't think so."
Parents are just as shameless about policing their progeny's love lives.
"For two years, my daughter's been dating a guy with no interest in making a commitment," says a Michigan mom of a 29-year-old. "My husband and I think our daughter is wasting precious time. We are extremely close and speak multiple times a day. She's always been glad to hear what we have to say. But now that our concerns are about her relationship, our daughter has told us to butt out. In recent conversations, she's actually hung up on us." And yet, this mother plans to persist in her campaign.
Others intervene with online services such as TheJMom.com, which promises to "give the power of matchmaking through the Internet to parents." Here, Jewish mothers like "Susan, a lawyer from Palo Alto," can post a profile of daughter "Shira, 27, a great catch," and let future beaux know "she volunteers with seniors" and "enjoys Ethiopian food." Oy.
Parents often expect to be similarly involved in their children's professional lives. "I hear about parents asking to participate in job interviews, calling potential employers to ask about promotion schedules, vetting contracts, weighing in or making counteroffers during salary negotiations, even offering their own assessments on performance reviews," says Sally Helgesen, leadership consultant and coauthor, with Julie Johnson, of The Female Vision: Women's Real Power at Work. "The message companies get is that this hire is not independent enough to assume professional responsibilities."
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