Why We Need to Feel Like We Matter

Having a clear role in your community is the key to your well-being and happiness

Robin L. Flanigan,

AARP

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En español

Published August 02, 2024

illustration of puzzle pieces with photos of people on each piece

Lehel Kovacs

We need to believe that we matter.

Why is it so important? It can actually affect your health and well-being, says Gordon L. Flett, an academic psychologist and researcher at York University in Toronto.

The tie between loneliness and mattering

“I am convinced that a big chunk of the loneliness epidemic is a ‘not mattering’ epidemic,” says Flett, 66, author of The Psychology of Mattering: Understanding the Human Need to Be Significant.

Flett says research shows that feelings of not mattering are linked with “extreme, unbearable loneliness,” and that “lonely people almost invariably describe themselves in ways that align with feeling unimportant and insignificant.”

And it’s affecting older adults at a high rate. More than one-third of Americans age 50 and up have experienced loneliness, according to a May 2024 article in the medical journal JAMA.

Feeling like you don’t matter may also increase the likelihood of suicidal thoughts, says Gregory C. Elliott, 77, a professor of sociology at Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island.

How retirement can affect your self-worth

Many people get “social proof” that we matter via our jobs, says Jennifer Breheny Wallace, 52, author of Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It. When we retire, that proof is gone, she says.

Flett says that as his own retirement looms, he can relate to the idea of not mattering. Much of his identity, he says, is rooted in his roles as a professor and researcher, and he says he will miss providing support and encouragement to students. He already finds himself without lab space or an office, which he says makes it easier to feel discarded.

On the positive side, Flett notes, he will be able to spend more time with his family, including two young granddaughters.

“New retirees need to find ways to stay engaged and connected with others in ways that can potentially make a difference,” he says.

Wallace agrees, saying that ahead of retirement, it’s crucial to plan the steps you’ll take that will set in motion a “positive upward spiral.”

How to feel like you matter

Regardless of whether you are in the planning stage or are already feeling a bit lost at sea without a job or other former role that was crucial to your identity, here are steps you can take to feel like you matter.

Help others. Don’t just sit there and wait for the world to love you, says Isaac Prilleltensky, 64, a community psychologist at the University of Miami, adding that if you’re feeling undervalued, ask yourself what you can do for other people.

“You have 100 percent control over 50 percent of the relationship — and that’s your 50 percent,” he says.

Of course, that equation also applies to toxic or otherwise unhealthy relationships. “If you feel like you’re trying hard to matter in the relationship, but nothing works,” Prilleltensky says, “I think perhaps it’s time to leave that toxic relationship.”

Choose a community where you matter. If you’re thinking about relocating post-retirement, says Prilleltensky, author of How People Matter: Why It Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society, don’t just consider the weather and cost of living. Also factor in how you will be relevant in that community.

Take time for positive self-talk. Build new neural pathways — road maps in the brain — for an extra boost of self-assuredness.

“If you tell yourself ‘I don’t matter,’ that is a negative belief,” says Darla Gale, a marriage and family therapist and founder of Darla Gale Counseling in Loomis, California. And if you keep reinforcing that statement, “your go-to is going to be ‘I don’t matter.’ ”

Instead, repeat statements to yourself, such as, “I am important,” “I have value” and “I have wisdom.”

Take stock of your contributions. Gale recommends keeping in mind that a lifetime of wins and losses can be used for the greater good — and that matters.

“Older adults forget they hold a wealth of knowledge and experience with them … and one of the most important roles they play is passing down that knowledge and wisdom to younger generations through storytelling and sharing experiences,” she says.

Let others know they matter too. People who feel like they matter show up to the world in positive ways, and in doing so, they unleash “the magic,” says Wallace.

“If you think something great about somebody, say it out loud to them,” she urges. “Be brave enough to do that. The fastest way to feel valued is to unlock someone else’s mattering.”

“Once you believe you matter, then you can attend to the rest of yourself,” says Elliott. “But until you get that settled, you’re in a quandary.”

Video: 3 Tips to Help Strengthen Social Connections for a Happier Life

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Robin L. Flanigan is a contributing writer who covers mental health, education and human interest stories for several national publications. She is a former reporter for several daily newspapers, and her work has appeared in People, USA Today and Education Week. She is the author of the children’s book M Is for Mindful.

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