8 Ways a Man Can Make Friends After 50

Here’s how to overcome your masculine insecurities

Ken Budd,

AARP Experience Counts

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En español

Published June 20, 2024

Paul Spella

Every Monday at 7 a.m., my friend Todd meets with a men’s group at a grocery store café.

The group was formed in 2018 by the pastor of Todd’s church in Burlington, Washington church. When the pastor moved to another town, Todd, 58, and his three comrades continued to meet.

After some icebreaking chit-chat, each man talks for 20 minutes about their lives. For Todd, who’s dealing with a divorce, the group is a godsend.

“We encourage each other and we’re there for each other,” he said. “One guy lost his mother a year ago. Another has a challenging relationship with one of his kids. It’s so good to not feel alone.”

Many older men crave close friendships but struggle to find them. The percentage of men with at least six close friends plummeted from 55 percent in 1990 to 27 percent in 2021, according to an American Enterprise Institute survey. Fifteen percent had no close friends at all.

If this sounds familiar — if you feel like Spock without a Kirk or McCoy — don’t worry. It’s not too late.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, a happiness survey that has tracked some adult participants for nearly 85 years, learned that men have found new, deep friendships in their 60s, 70s, even 80s.

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Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. We need friends. Here’s how to make them:

Focus on your interests

You probably know ways to meet guys. You could volunteer or join a club or a sports league. Whatever you choose, focus on your passions. Don’t join a wine club to meet people; join it because you love wine.

“One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to do something you care about—you have an immediate subject in common, so you have something to talk about,” said Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and director of the Harvard study. Apps such as Meetup, Eventbrite, OpenSports, and Facebook can help you find and start groups.

Be specific

When approaching a potential buddy, suggest a concrete activity and make your would-be friend feel valued, psychotherapist Robert Garfield suggested in his book "Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship."

So instead of vague invitations like “Let’s get together sometime,” Garfield recommends: “I usually do this bike route on my own, but it’d be nice to ride with another hardcore rider.” Or, “I know you love IPAs—want to have a beer at that new brewery?”

Stay positive

Making new friends is like hitting a baseball, Waldinger believes. Even an awesome hitter only bats around .300. “You may reach out to somebody and they don’t answer or they’re lukewarm,” he said.

“But if you try a few times, with a few different people, you’ll have success.” Also, be patient. People are busy. Negotiate times and suggest alternative activities

Rekindle old friendships

When Waldinger gives talks, he asks the audience to text or email someone they haven’t contacted recently. During the Q&A session, he’ll ask if anyone received a response.

“Usually, all these hands shoot up,” he said. “And they’ll say, ‘This person was so glad to hear from me’ or ‘We’ve already scheduled dinner for next week.’ These overtures to old friends are a small investment that often gets positive results.”

Ignore distances

What if that old friend lives far away? Todd and I are on different coasts, and we usually talk while driving. We’ll text each other: “I’m on the road if you want to call.”

My friend Art Taylor, an award-winning mystery writer, has Zoom cocktail hours with a fellow author who moved to another state.

Overcome fear

Guys are often uncomfortable approaching other guys. “Men get scared that they’ll be rebuffed, just by wanting to get close,” Waldinger noted. In men’s groups, Garfield tells participants to call each other during the week. When they do, most apologize for reaching out.

If masculine insecurities prevent you from making friends, try a role reversal, said Rachel Noble, a licensed therapist in Washington, D.C. How would you feel if a guy reached out to you? Chances are you’d be pleased — not embarrassed.

Approach friends’ friends

For decades I’ve attended basketball games at George Mason University with four alumni pals. Each year, we split the cost of an extra seat, which we use for spouses and other buds. I’ve made new friends simply by meeting my buddies’ buddies.

Last season, at a pregame event, I told a friend’s friend about my impending divorce, and he shared insights from his own breakup. We also discussed the deaths of our fathers. After that, he felt like my friend, too.

Embrace vulnerability

Making friends is one thing. Deepening those relationships is another. I’ve known Todd since 1986, and he’s always been more emotionally honest than me. Recently, however, when I revealed problems in my marriage and life, it transformed our relationship.

“You’ve told me more about yourself in 30 minutes than you have in 30 years,” he said. We still yak about fun stuff — Springsteen, sports — but we also discuss our struggles and fears.

“What connects us as humans is our flaws,” said Noble. “When you first meet someone, you often feel like you need to look good or show off, but what brings people closer is our shared suffering. That’s what creates intimacy.”

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Ken Budd writes frequently for AARP and his work has appeared in The Atlantic, The Washington Post, National Geographic Traveler, and many more. He is the author of a memoir, The Voluntourist.

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