Emotional Intimacy is Key to a Happy Sex Life

Not connecting with your partner can tank your bedroom vibes and your relationship

Nicole Pajer,

AARP

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En español

Published July 24, 2024

illustration of a couple looking at each others

Nadia Hafid

When we think of intimacy, we often jump right to sex. But intimacy isn’t just what happens between the sheets. It’s also spending time together, like a table for two dinner, or little intimate gestures throughout the day, like a hug or kiss. It’s feeling understood and being able to feel vulnerable enough to open up to your partner about your hopes, dreams and fears.

A 2023 AARP survey of adults 40+ on sex and relationships found that intimacy is vital to adults — with 41 percent of Americans looking for more ways to connect with their spouse or partner.

And research shows emotional intimacy is a precursor to physical intimacy and an important foundation for sexual desire. So, if your emotional intimacy takes a hit, you’re likely to have problems in the bedroom as well.

So how do you create or renew intimacy in your relationship? Healthy communication and/or shared activities or interests are key, says Tara Lally, Ph.D., supervising psychologist with the Department of Psychiatry at Ocean University Medical Center in New Jersey.

Here are nine signs your emotional intimacy is waning and expert-backed advice on how to get it back.

Your conversations are less heartfelt

Have you gone from talking about your hopes and dreams, future plans, feelings and personal thoughts to only discussing the logistics of running your household? What’s for dinner? Who is doing the grocery shopping this week? When is the dog’s vet appointment?

That could be a red flag in the intimacy department, says Carlos Escobar, a licensed mental health counselor and clinical director at Real Recovery.

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“One of the most telling signs that emotional intimacy is declining is a noticeable decrease in meaningful conversations,” he says. “This lack of depth in communication can create a gap, leaving both partners feeling disconnected.”

To put the heart back into your conversations, challenge each other to spend a few minutes each day talking about anything other than the daily grind stuff. Discuss fun things you want to do together, hobbies you are interested in, how each other’s days went — anything other than errands, chores and finances.

You feel like you don’t know your partner anymore

Another sign of fading intimacy is that you realize you know less and less about what is happening in your partner’s inner world, says Hannah Yang, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of the therapy practice Balanced Awakening. “You may feel like you used to have a good sense of how your partner was feeling but now you’re unsure. You may have a hard time remembering the last time you truly checked in with your partner about their thoughts and feelings at any given moment.”

Try introducing an activity that invites you to learn more about your partner. “Whether you have been married for 30 years or together for three years, there will always be something about your partner that you either never knew, don’t remember or have yet to learn,” says Domenique Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Do things together that build curiosity, connection and closeness. This, says Harrison, could include playing a discussion question card game or asking each other questions about your childhoods, pop culture moments and thoughts on current events can spark a sense of connection.

You’re no longer having fun together

When you first started dating, your partner made you smile and the two of you were always enjoying yourselves. But as intimacy wanes, you may have noticed a reduction in shared laughter and fun. “Emotional intimacy thrives on shared experiences and the joy they bring,” says Escobar. “When these moments become rare, it’s indicative of a loss in the connection that once brought you together.”

Make some fun plans, whether that’s taking a class as a couple or taking turns trying out something the other person likes, such as going to a concert or starting a backyard garden.

You live separate lives

You have your friends, hobbies and interests, and so does your partner. But when you are spending more time with other people than with your significant other, that can be a problem. “While autonomy is healthy, an overemphasis on doing things separately, without the desire to share experiences or make decisions together, can point to a growing emotional distance,” says Escobar.

Take it slow. “If you’ve only been spending a few hours together each week, it’s unrealistic to suddenly spend a few hours together a day or plan a weeklong vacation as a couple,” says Yang. Try planning a date night at a restaurant or picking an activity you can do together once a week and go from there. Small changes add up, and Yang notes that your relationship will have a better chance of growing sustainably in a positive direction if you keep this in mind.

You never touch anymore

You used to always be holding hands, snuggling on the couch, spooning as you drifted off to sleep, but you find that you’re both quite literally keeping your distance.

“The absence of touching, hugging and kissing, outside of sexual activities, can indicate a decrease in emotional closeness,” says Escobar. These gestures, he adds, are expressions of warmth and connection that are essential for maintaining the emotional bond between partners.

Find moments throughout the day where you can work these microdoses of intimacy into your day, whether that’s a quick kiss goodbye before your partner leaves for work or some snuggles during your favorite television show.

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You’re making less eye contact

“If you pay attention, you may notice that you and your partner have less moments when you are looking directly at each other, usually when speaking or sharing in a verbal exchange,” says Yang.

Maybe you’re having a conversation while one or both of you are looking at your phones. That’s actually one of the most common problems: 51 percent of adults in a relationship surveyed said they felt their partner was distracted by their cell phone when trying to have a conversation. Or maybe, says Yang, you’re around each other so little there’s less opportunity to make eye contact.

One study, published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, showed that eye contact can increase feelings of connection and passion.

Try to sit and look into each other’s eyes for a minute. “This is very powerful, yet also quite challenging. But if both people in the relationship are willing to endure some discomfort to benefit the relationship, this is a great exercise to do,” says Yang. And put away your phones or whatever task you are doing when you are talking to each other, says Harrison.

You often feel misunderstood

Feel like no matter how much you explain yourself, your partner still doesn’t get it? A lack of empathy and understanding towards each other’s emotions is a disaster in the relationship department, says licensed marriage and family therapist Sophie Cress. “If you or your partner consistently feel misunderstood or unsupported during times of distress, it suggests a breakdown in emotional connection,” she explains.

To fix this, beef up your listening skills. “Listening actively is crucial; both partners should make an effort to understand each other’s perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive,” says Cress. Showing each other a dose of empathy, she adds, is important. “It’s essential to validate each other’s emotions and show genuine interest in each other’s experiences.”

You haven’t talked through a major transition

If you’ve had a conflict or gone through a major transition that leaves things either unresolved or undiscussed, that could put some space between you, says Yang: “Couples can naturally reach transition points in their relationship that either bring them closer together or move them farther apart.”

One example of this would be having children leave the nest. “Long term partners who have spent 20-plus years parenting together can struggle to figure out what the new glue of their connection might be if it’s not the kids,” explains Yang.

Talking through these life changes and making new priorities and plans, says Yang, can be perfect opportunities to work on strengthening your relationship and redefining what you’d like it to be.

You complain a lot more than you compliment each other

Find yourself constantly focused on what your partner is doing wrong versus noticing what they do that enriches your lives? Complaining about each other or focusing on the negatives a lot more than the positives is a no in the intimacy department, says Yang, and is a sign you’re growing apart.

“When feeling disconnected, we tend to feel more negative about our partner,” she says. “It’s definitely harder to notice the things that are going well or that you appreciate about your partner when you’re not sure what your partner is thinking and feeling — and you’ve lost that support — and vice versa.”

Yang suggests making a list of all the things you appreciate — or used to appreciate — about your partner. “Whenever we are in a state of gratitude, we feel more love and connection,” she says, recommending that you try this exercise daily until you feel your relationship improve. Yang adds that focusing on the things you like about your partner can help you to feel more connected to them and can help to set a more positive tone in the relationship overall.

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