How to Gracefully Handle Your Grandchild Changing Pronouns

For books related to the subject of people changing pronouns, Allen recommends: The Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing and Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes; The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens; and The Reflective Workbook for Parents and Families of Transgender and Non-Binary Children: Your Transition as Your Child Transitions. For downloadable resources to help with understanding and supporting your grandchild, Allen suggests the Gender Spectrum website. And he says grandparents can seek support for themselves by reaching out to PFLAG, a national organization that supports, educates and advocates for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them.

Skip the judgment and show appreciation

Because it can be very difficult for a teenager to disclose a change in gender pronouns, it’s helpful if grandparents refrain from expressing judgment and instead show support by asking about the decision to do so with interest.

“A good comeback is always, ‘Tell me more,’ ” says Denise O’Doherty, a psychotherapist in Houston. She specializes in working with individuals and families on gender issues.

Truly listen to what your grandchild has to say, O’Doherty adds, then follow with something like, “Thank you so much for sharing that with me.… You trust me and you want me to know all about you. That’s such a compliment to me.”

“It’s easier to go with something if you know what’s behind it,” she says.

Practice, practice, practice

Repeating the new pronoun aloud in private — even writing it in a note to yourself — builds familiarity, especially if you visualize your grandchild in the process, recommends Allen.

Allen suggests thinking of the new pronoun the same way you’d think about a new nickname.

“Actually, we accept new nicknames pretty easily, and sometimes when we don’t even like them,” he says. “Pronoun changes — just like nicknames, and with a bit of practice — can become just as natural.”

This tactic works not just for pronoun changes but for name changes as well.

Ask for patience if you slip up

Make it clear to your grandchild that you’re not trying to cause hurt or show disrespect if you inadvertently use the wrong pronoun, and that it might take a while to become familiar with a new reality.

Getty, based in Duluth, Minnesota, admits they got pronouns wrong at times when a friend recently switched them.

“You just correct it as quickly as you can … and keep going,” they say. “When you make a big deal of it, [then] it becomes about the shame and guilt [you feel] for doing it wrong rather than actually caring about the person.”

Remember that your brain is going through a transitional period, adds Getty: “You’ll be clunky [but] the more times you do it, the easier it is.”

It’s usually enough, notes Allen, to say a quick “I’m sorry” and move on, then make an effort to do better next time.

That said, be aware that while you may get a pass for the occasional slip, consistent blunders tend to be another story.

“After a while it starts to affect them,” says Ellen Romano.

Focus on what matters most

Even if your grandchild changes pronouns more than once it’s important to show you’re making an effort to keep up.

“It’s a gesture of care and respect,” says Allen.

Showing unconditional love and support is key, emphasizes Richard Romano, 83, a retired economics professor: “Don’t let the grandparents be another thing they have to struggle with.”

Getty’s number-one piece of advice is to make sure grammar doesn’t get in the way of your relationship.

“Even if you suck at the pronouns,” they say, “just say that you love the kid and that you’re going to try — and [then] try.”

And what if you don’t agree with your grandchild’s choice?

“We can disagree without being disagreeable,” says Allen. “In practice, we often navigate seemingly incompatible feelings and actions. We can feel anger but speak calmly, strongly disagree with a political view while understanding how it might make sense to someone else, or acknowledge someone's feelings without accepting blame. Handling a pronoun change is similar. We should still show respect and compassion, even if we don’t fully agree.”