Casual Sex Isn’t Just for the Young. Here’s How to Get Your Groove on ... Without the Commitment

From finding partners to staying safe, this is your guide to having healthy casual sex after 50

Nicole Pajer,

AARP

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Published August 09, 2024

Elena Lacey

One-night stands, booty calls, friends with benefits … When you think of casual sex, images of drunken college students may come to mind. But older adults are also embracing no-strings-attached sex. In fact, according to an AARP survey, one-third of adults over 50 are in the market for a casual relationship. And 39 percent of those surveyed have fantasized about having sex with a stranger.

Casual sex can be appealing to you as an older adult for a number of reasons. You may have lost or divorced a partner recently and might not be ready for something serious. Or maybe you just want some sexual gratification without the courting. But where do you begin?

We asked relationship experts to share tips on everything from where to find partners to how to manage emotional expectations and have safe sexual encounters when you’re looking for a casual sex relationship as an older adult.

Do some soul-searching to identify what you want

Start by considering exactly what you are looking for in the casual sex department, says Carol Queen, author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. “Friend with benefits, a one-time hookup, some other option in the open-relationship multiverse? Is this a chance to explore kink or Tantra or just no-holds-barred getting it on?” says Queen.

She also suggests being clear with yourself about what you do not want, either in terms of the type of connection or the sex you have.

“Many older adults have gone through the pain of divorce or loss of a partner and have little interest in marrying again,” says Stephanie Manes, a licensed clinical social worker who teaches couples therapy at Columbia University. And women who have spent their entire lives caring for others may be enjoying a newfound freedom they are reluctant to give up. “To many women, being in a partnership means putting herself on the back burner and someone else’s needs first,” adds Manes. Casual hookups can be a great way to get some needs met without having to worry about the emotional needs of others.

Look for partners in the right places

Dating apps. There seems to be a dating service for everything these days, and there are apps geared toward helping people have sex without commitment, says Manes.

The Feeld, for instance, is an app that prides itself on providing a place for people of all backgrounds to explore sexual encounters outside of existing blueprints. It’s a popular service for people looking for all sorts of sexual experiences, including older adults seeking no-strings-attached love. “You can also find folks looking for something casual on the more traditional sites, like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble,” says Manes. Want to stick to dating people your age? Try out apps specifically geared for the 50-plus, such as SilverSingles and OurTime.

Many of these dating apps give you space to include what you are looking for in your profile, and Manes encourages people to be honest. “You might not want to say that you are looking for casual sex in your Hinge profile, but you should state that you are only interested in something casual or short-term,” she says.

These apps also have some built-in safety features for extra peace of mind, such as the ability to block and report users so they can no longer see your profile and the chance to provide feedback about any unsatisfactory behavior experienced on a first date.

Friends with benefits. Have a friend you’ve been flirty with? Another way to find a casual sex partner is to work in some “benefits.” The positive here is that you already know this person and likely feel comfortable being around them. “Flirt to see if they might be interested,” says Lori Beth Bisbey, an intimacy and sex coach. A good way to do this, she says, is to invite them to a romantic film. This can lead to a natural conversation and set the mood. “Pay attention to see if there is any sexual tension between you,” she adds. “If there is, check out how they feel about casual sexual relationships.” If this goes well, she says, you can then be more direct and ask if they are interested in a that kind of arrangement.

Just be ready for them to be at a different place in their lives — working through a divorce or loss of a loved one and not looking for the same thing as you. “Remember that rejection is a regular part of finding casual sex partners — don’t take it personally,” says Bisbey.

Communicate how you want the relationship to work

“Be extremely clear in your communication with any potential partners,” says Bisbey. This means being up-front about what exactly you are looking for: “Is this one night only? Are you looking for a booty call a couple of times a month if things go well?”

It’s also a good idea to talk through the details of your encounters, such as where you’ll meet (at a hotel, at each other’s house). And work out how and how often you’ll keep in contact. “Are you expecting a thank you and ongoing conversation? Is a thank you text and no further communication enough? What kind of information are you sharing with each other and/or with others?” says Bisbey.

Communication with sex partners is particularly important as you age, since sex itself may be different than it was in your younger years, says Manes. Speak up about what you can and can’t do in bed or what you need to experience pleasure, whether it’s prioritizing certain positions or using lubrication.

Protect your heart

When getting into a casual sex situation, it’s important to make sure your expectations align with the reality of the relationship, stresses Emme Witt-Eden, author of the memoir Confessions of a Middle-Aged F-Girl, in which she recounts her experience of having casual sex after a divorce.

“I think where people run into problems with casual sex is catching feelings or having any expectations that the relationship should function like a committed one,” she says. “It’s not! It’s casual.”

When two people are hooking up, one of the parties can develop feelings for the other. If that happens, it’s important to talk it out and see where both parties stand. “It’s not like casual connections never become more serious, but also be realistic about the relationship,” says Witt-Eden.

“Be prepared for someone to stop the meetings if feelings do develop because they are not in the market for a more committed and/or emotional relationship,” says Bisbey, adding that could be you or your partner. If both parties are not on board with casual sex turning into something more, it’s best to part ways.

Be smart and stay safe

The first time you get together with a person, arrange to meet in a public place.

Bisbey suggests not having sex on the first encounter. Instead, spend that initial meeting grabbing a drink or a coffee and seeing if you feel comfortable with each other. “Make sure that someone else knows where you are and when you expect to be home, and will notify the police if you don’t check in,” says Bisbey. She suggests that before heading out for a casual hookup, you arrange to call a friend at a specific time during the evening. You can have a code word or phrase that signals if something is wrong or you do not feel safe. Manes says a location app is also useful.

Bisbey also suggests keeping alcohol consumption to a minimum so you’re able to remain clearheaded and make well-thought-out decisions throughout the night.

Be proactive about STI prevention

Every partner you engage with increases your odds of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. And recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that STIs are on the rise in sexually active older adults. “When it comes to STIs, there are two things you should absolutely insist on: condoms and conversation,” says Manes. Condoms help guard against the transmission of many STIs, though she stresses that they don’t work 100 percent of the time, which means they can’t completely protect you.

It’s important to talk to your partners about safe sex and ask questions like, “When was the last time you were tested?” Some STIs take a while to show up in a test, so even if a person says they tested negative a few days prior, it’s still a good idea to use condoms to be safe, adds Manes.

Explore your sexual preferences

A casual fling can be a great space to try new things in the bedroom without the pressures of having to impress a partner you’ll see every day.

“Trying new things with a casual partner means that you don’t have to worry about being rejected and/or someone finding what you are asking for icky, because you are not emotionally invested in the person,” says Bisbey.

If you discover you really like the new activity, she adds, you can practice talking about it so you can introduce it to an emotionally intimate partner later on with less risk of rejection.

Know when to walk away

If you are happy with the arrangement, stay in it as long as possible — whether it’s a one-night stand or a regular Thursday night arrangement.

“Seek out and ask for what you want; don’t get stuck in circumstances you don’t,” says Queen. “If no-strings connections are good for anything at all, they are good for this: Unlike in a committed relationship, there are fewer reasons to continue if you are not satisfied.”

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