Guest Essay: One Simple Way to Mend Relationships Fraught Over Politics

Write down your goals, just as you might make a shopping list. This helps keep you focused on what truly matters. Research finds that being careful and intentional about how we start difficult conversations increases the odds they will go well.

2. Make the invitation

Remember the days when we'd simply pick up the phone and call someone? That's exactly what you should do here. If you'll be at the same gathering over the holidays, instead of planning your early exit or gearing up for a fight, call them ahead of time, and ask them if they would be up for a walk sometime before the gathering or between dinner and dessert. 

All you have to do is simply say, "I've been missing our time together. Would you like to take a walk with me?" If the holidays aren't a good time for repairing the relationship, ask about another time. 

3. Find a comfortable space and time

Choose a comfortable time of day for your climate and suggest a location you’re both familiar with so you will both feel at ease.  

Other tips:

• Ideally, find a place to walk outside in nature for a more peaceful environment
• Pick a route with benches or resting spots in case one of you needs to pause
• Consider a location with smooth pathways if mobility is a concern
• Have a backup plan like a quiet café in case of inclement weather
• Start with a shorter walk if needed — quality of conversation matters more than duration
• Bring water and wear comfortable shoes

4. Check your assumptions

Many of us grew up in times when news came from just a few trusted sources. Today's media landscape is vastly different, and it's easy to develop misconceptions about what "the other side" believes. Before your walk, remind yourself that your loved one's views might be more nuanced than you assume. They might even have the same misconceptions about your beliefs.

In fact, most Americans tend to overestimate how extreme people on the other side of the aisle are — called the "perception gap." Both Democrats and Republicans believe that twice as many of their political opponents hold views they consider extreme than actually do in reality, according to research by the nonprofit research organization More in Common. 

5. Focus on connection, not correction

Remember how our parents or grandparents often told us, "There are two things we don't discuss: politics and religion"? While complete avoidance isn't the answer, there's wisdom in prioritizing relationships over being right. During your walk, focus on rebuilding your connection rather than winning an argument. This begins by simply asking them how they and their loved ones are doing — and listening carefully — and then perhaps sharing a bit about how things are for you. Don't start with politics or grievances. Allow for some time to reconnect. If political topics arise, practice being a good listener.

The power of simply hearing the other person and being heard by them has been shown to soften attitudes and bring people closer together.

6. Channel your role models

Think about people you've admired throughout your life who handled differences with grace. Perhaps it was:

• A grandfather who could disagree without being disagreeable
• A teacher who listened to all sides of an issue
• A friend who maintained relationships across political lines

Draw inspiration from their example as you prepare for your walk. Research has found that by identifying best practices in conflicts — what you have seen already work — often elicits our better angels.

7. Remember that your relationship might not be fixed in one day

Healing relationships takes time. Just as it took years to build your original bond, it may take several walks and conversations to rebuild trust and understanding. The goal isn't to suddenly agree on everything — after all, we've lived long enough to know that reasonable people can disagree. Instead, focus on preserving the relationships that have enriched your life for so many years.

Consider making these walks a regular occurrence, perhaps weekly or monthly. As many of us know from experience, regular connection helps maintain strong relationships, just as regular exercise helps maintain physical health.

The bottom line

By now, most of us have gained enough wisdom to know what truly matters. While political views are important, they shouldn't overshadow decades of friendship or family bonds. By taking this literal first step — a simple walk and talk — you're showing that you value the relationship more than any political difference.

Remember, it's never too late to rebuild bridges. After all, isn't that what wisdom is all about — knowing what's truly worth holding onto?

For more resources like these, go to the Starts with Us - Polarization Detox Challenge.

Peter T. Coleman's latest book is The Way Out: How to Overcome Toxic Polarization.