How to Plan a Meaningful Memorial Service

Pick a date, and let people know early on

“Preplanning can happen when the family feels they have gotten through the first wave of grief,” says Melinda Bracha Bernstein, a freelance rabbi in Tamarac, Florida, who leads life-cycle ceremonies for all faiths. “Sooner is better,” she says. “If people don’t have that sense of completion, they are walking around with this heaviness.”

Don’t go it alone

Pick a close friend or family member as the point person for the event and allow them to delegate tasks such as selecting and renting a venue, planning the program, sending out invitations and arranging for food and drink, if desired.

If you don’t have someone in your circle who is good at taking charge, consider engaging a funeral celebrant, a professional who helps design a customized service that reflects the deceased’s personality, values, culture and wishes.

Decide who should lead the service

You can pick a family member or close friend to introduce speakers, or if the deceased was religious, a priest, minister, rabbi or imam can weave in elements of faith.

“The person in charge of the service can either lean on a funeral director for guidance or just call the local church, synagogue or house of worship the individual belonged to, and the leader of that community is usually willing to help,” Mariani says.

Select the right location

The venue can be anywhere — your VFW post, a favorite restaurant, community center or out in nature, such as a park. Some people prefer the intimacy of a service at home, while others opt for services at a church or synagogue.

Share an item of remembrance

Some services provide attendees with a takeaway, such as a photograph or card with the deceased’s favorite poem. Bernstein always brings stones. “I have people hold them and connect to the individual through them, and then put it in their pocket and take it home or put it in their garden.”

Personalize the service

“My only rule is to make it a reflection of the person you are honoring,” says Anne Murphy, a life-cycle celebrant in St. Paul, Minnesota. “You should have a really good idea of how they lived and how they impacted our lives by the end of the service. If you don’t, it can feel really empty.”

Gather memories, stories and mementos such as photos and letters from family members and friends. To coordinate planning, Murphy suggests using a shared online document that all involved in the service can see and comment on so everyone is comfortable about what is to be shared.

Jeff Baron, a playwright and children’s book author, has led numerous services for friends and family in the past 20 years. “I think about it the way I think of putting on any show. I make it meaningful and engaging for the intended audience and for the deceased,” he says.

His tips include having a rehearsal for speakers, as well as offering to read remembrances for those who are uncomfortable speaking in public or out-of-town.

Offer livestreaming

Randy Anderson, a funeral director in Alexander City, Alabama, and past president of the NFDA, has arranged more than 100 services with a livestreaming option in the past few years for older family members who can’t travel and for those in the military unable to come home.

One of the reasons Anderson began offering an online option was his own experience as a remote attendee at a friend’s funeral. “You couldn’t see the congregation of people there, but you really felt like you were a part of that group. It made me feel better because I was able to support my friend … and his family.”

As part of planning, let all those who will read or perform know in advance that the program will be streamed, he says. If a person who can’t attend wants to say something, someone else can read tributes — or even better, Anderson says, a video recording can be played.

“While I could read a letter from someone who’s deployed,” he says, “I don’t have the same body language that they have when they’re reading it.”

“It’s been a blessing to be able to widen the circle of comfort and care for bereaved families,” says Bernstein, who has presided over several hybrid gatherings. 

Resources

The NFDA has a page with information on planning a service as well as tips on writing a eulogy.

This article was originally published May 11, 2020. It has been updated with more recent data on cremation as well as information on livestreaming services.