I Want to Ask My Fiancé to Sign a Prenup, But I'm Nervous to Bring It Up

Prenuptial agreements can be difficult for couples to discuss, but a recent survey found that half of U.S. adults said they’re open to signing one. And with more marriages ending up in gray divorce, prenups are top of mind for many soon-to-be-wed couples in their 50s, 60s or older.  

Here, our financial etiquette columnist offers tips on how to broach the awkward subject.

Money Manners

Lizzie Post is AARP's financial etiquette columnist. She is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s also the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.

Have a question? Email us at moneymanners@aarp.org. 

I’m getting ready to marry my fiancé. This will be my second marriage, and, at this point in my life, I’ve accumulated a significant amount of assets. I’d like to ask my partner to sign a prenup since he’d be coming into the marriage with a lot less than I have in savings and investments, but I don’t know how to start the conversation. What’s your advice?

Ah, the prenup. It can be an important tool when it comes to protecting assets as you enter a marriage, but asking for one has the potential to send a different message. It could give your partner the impression that you’re focused on an end to the marriage before it’s even begun, or that you may be entering the marriage with the intention of getting something out of it financially. 

The pickle that you’re in is not unique. And when we’re talking about second marriages, and even first marriages when you’re 50-plus, the reality is you’re both coming into the union with the perspective of having seen some marriages not work out (including your first marriage, in this instance). Also, you might have seen how things can get contentious during a messy divorce. 

While I can't offer you legal or financial advice, I can offer some tips for navigating what can be a delicate conversation with your soon-to-be spouse. Every relationship is unique, but there are a few guiding principles to follow.

Let’s start with what not to say. There’s no need to express that you want a prenup because you have more assets. No good can come from comparing your wealth to your partner’s by saying, “you don't have as much as I do, so I need to protect myself.” 

Focus on how excited you are to build a life together — and how a prenup is just one stepping stone toward the future that you’re building as a couple. Consider framing your ask as follows: “Tom, I’m really excited that we’re joining our lives and getting married. I’d really like us to sign a prenup. I think it’s a smart way to set a clear path forward should anything difficult arise in our future.” 

If you have kids from a previous marriage or relationship, you could add another layer to your request, couching it as, “Tom, I’d really like us to sign a prenup so there are no questions for you or my kids about what happens to my current assets if you and I divorce or I pass away.” 

Bear in mind, you can’t control your fiancé’s reaction. He may need time to let the idea sink in. He might have questions, or concerns, or fears — or preconceived notions of what a prenup means for a relationship. (Not uncommon.) The key is to be respectful of your partner’s opinion and point of view. That’s good etiquette, whether you’re discussing a prenup or who gets to decide what TV show to watch tonight.