Feeling Angry as a Family Caregiver? You Are Not Alone

‘A complex role to balance’

Donna Thomson, a caregiver, author and educator, points out that as humans, our feelings of independence come with expectations of moving through the world, but they are also connected to dignity. “When age or illness reduces someone to depending on another, the caregiver has a complex role to balance and protect the dignity of the care recipient,” says Thomson. “Sometimes that includes doing things that prop up a fiction of independence.” All of it requires an incredible amount of energy and positivity.

“The job of caregivers is to both assuage the anger of a loved one but also manage her/his own feelings of despair and sometimes rage,” explains Thompson.

Feeling the brunt of emotional trauma

The Temple family of West Dover, Vermont, is in the thick of a clinical trial for a cancer treatment that could be game-changing for Paul Temple*, a 52-year-old husband and father who was sideswiped by his diagnosis this past fall. Rightfully, Paul holds his own anger at the disease. He is still grappling with the injustice of the fact that after kicking it once in college, cancer waited a few decades to strike again. And a little warrior-like anger in the fight against cancer is a useful tool to rally mind, body and spirit.

But it’s Paul’s wife, Charlotte*, 51, who bears the brunt of the emotions at home while also carrying her own fears and worries. Charlotte is a sandwich generation caregiver; she has a 15-year-old son at home and oversees care for both parents and in-laws. Charlotte likens her role during this challenging time to being the family “dump truck.” “People keep filling up the dump truck and I’m doing what I need to do, but eventually my dump truck gets full, and the reality is I need to empty it,” she says.

Charlotte is the first to say that she isn’t walking around angry every single day, but she often gets to the level of feeling, I just can’t do this anymore. “Sometimes the stupidest thing will set me off, blowing up at the air conditioner or cursing like a sailor — and I’m not someone who curses,” she says.

She views helping their son process his father’s cancer as the first priority in her caregiving role. “When things might be tense or angry around the house, he tends to take it more personally, because kids process things differently than adults.” She notes that you need to put on your own oxygen mask, but some days knowing something and then doing it are two very different things.”

Maintaining positive mental and physical health

Charlotte says she has learned to put her own emotions aside to deal with her husband when he is hurting or angry. “A lot of the time I don’t even think he is aware that he’s being grumpy, which makes it harder,” she explains. “He has no control over what’s going on in his body, and he can hyperfocus on it at times, so he picks on the things I’m doing wrong, which creates anger in me.”

She describes going through this cancer journey as “caregiving on steroids.” It’s not like caring for her parents and in-laws, where she can assist and then leave. “This is 24/7.... The only way to get a break is to physically leave, which is not always possible.”

Charlotte finds trying to keep a positive mental space harder than trying to stay physically healthy. “Pasting on a smile in a way that helps the [care recipient] stay positive can feel like double duty,” she says. “And what I didn’t realize at the outset was how exhausting that would be.”

She also recognizes that because she is a caregiver by nature, asking for help is hard. “Normalizing the need for help is a start,” says Thomson. “And especially in situations where anger is involved, humor can also be the caregiver’s best friend.” Thomson also suggests that “agreeing beforehand on a mutual strategy to manage anger can be helpful. For some caregiving families that could mean a time-out, or it could mean deep breathing. Apologizing afterward, if that’s possible … is a good way to move forward with a clear head and an open heart.”

Handling ‘twists and turns’

Jean Doliber, 69, of Silver Bay, New York, felt a range of emotions when her husband, Peter, 68, was diagnosed with colon cancer a few months ago. Two of Peter’s family members had died from the disease, so while he had been vigilant about checkups, cancer was always a fear due to family history. But after diagnosis, when testing showed he had zero genetic markings, the question of why rose to the top of her mind and rattled around a lot. While Jean recognizes that cancer doesn’t discriminate, this was still a shock.

“I’ve always been pretty even-keeled,” she says. “Having worked in the nonprofit cancer space, I thought I knew what it would feel like to get the diagnosis, but you don’t know until you are there. Cancer is not a linear path. There are so many twists and turns and ups and downs, and that was so frustrating at the beginning.”

Like me, Jean is no stranger to the alone-in-the-car primal scream. “But I know that’s not how I can function all the time,” she says. “When I’m on my 12th trip to the pharmacy or walking the dog, which used to be his job, I often remind myself that this is what Peter needs, and I just go with it.”

Jarvis says that these anger flare-ups often occur because there is something we truly cannot control or fix. “Our ability to make meaningful change is limited, and anger comes in to show you there is still something you can do — get really mad,” she notes.

Thomson suggests it’s a good idea, in moments of calm, to talk with a loved one about the reality that everyone in the family, including the caregiver, experiences moments of anger. “A family meeting may be helpful to get everyone to recognize that anger need not be the elephant in the room and each person has a role in helping the other manage it.”

*Names changed to protect privacy.