How Faith and Spirituality Can Play an Important Role in Family Caregiving

At one point, when Miller was caring for both parents, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. “What got me through was the spiritual belief that the greatest gift you could give someone you love is to be there and walk with them at the scariest point of their life. For some people it’s religious; others faith-based. And for me it was spiritual. I describe that as being in the flow of the universe, perhaps more of a Buddhist way of looking at things.”

When she thinks of caregiving, she envisions a glass of water and constantly taking from your own glass to give to the other person. “The reality is if you don’t find a mechanism for refilling the glass of water, you will go emotionally and physically dry,” says Miller. “That’s when reframing is so powerful … to discover what helps you look at the glass not as something that is depleting, but something beautiful that’s refilled by things that are meaningful to you.” 

A link to mental health

David H. Rosmarin, 45, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, approaches spirituality and religion as a clinician and scientist, looking at ways these beliefs can be linked to mental health in positive and negative ways. “Spirituality is a powerful domain of life, which has often been ignored by health care,” he says. “Scientists and clinicians view the world through the secular lens they were trained in, but that can miss the mark in the hearts, minds and souls of individuals who are struggling. Caregivers, in particular, often gravitate toward spiritual resources along their challenging journey.”

Throughout his career as a minister and co-pastor of the Rye Presbyterian Church, Dan Love, 60, from Rye, New York, has counseled caregivers and care recipients. Last year, he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and his wife, Carol, 58, became his caregiver.

“It’s so valuable to be part of a community where the faith piece, belief in God, was lived out by people in their interactions with me,” Dan says. “When people are asking deep questions about life, that’s an opportunity to look at God and faith in different ways. We’ve been so grateful for people, some we don’t know, touching base, providing meals, or the flowers that just show up. That’s the power of people in community, to be part of the supportive circle.”   

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Carol agrees. “There’s a source of wisdom and discernment available when showing up to offer someone support,” she says. “One can spot when caregivers are tangled up in finding a solution to another’s problem. ‘I’m just trying to help’ can be a loaded way caregivers explain a desire to fix the situation. You’re the caregiver; God is the curegiver. Part of being a caregiver is being willing to admit we don’t have this all figured out and we need some help ourselves.” 

Carol is also grateful for the friends that have shown up in her life to help her “name the dark side, but facilitate the bright side.” 

“When it’s lonely, and you are hanging out there by yourself, it’s critical to be able to talk about scary moments and have a memory that primes that pump of how God will show up,” she says.

As a minister and now a care recipient, Love has seen faith in every aspect of his diagnosis and treatment. “I don’t know how people walk this journey without faith,” he says. “I’ve gotten tired of the ‘just stay positive’ kind of language. My faith is more about authenticity than it is about positivity. It allows space for the inevitable anger, sadness and questions to get out. If we’re stuffing all that down, we’re clogging the tubes that allow grace to flow.” 

Finding purpose, soothing for the soul

Ralph Patrick, 62, from Allenspark, Colorado, is a dementia consultant and spiritual director who views spirituality as critical to the caregiving journey. “I see spirituality as a spectrum, and people can practice it in a variety of different ways,” says Patrick. “Some people need more than the dogma and rituals of religion. Spirituality can also help caregivers be gracious to themselves, because there’s an awful lot of guilt with the role.”

Patrick asks what feeds a person’s soul or spirit, and that can include nature, music, art, poetry, community, children, gardening, animals or simply holding someone’s hand when they need comforting. “My own ‘God time’ is sometimes as simple as having my infant granddaughter fall asleep in my arms,” he notes.

“As a caregiver, you often don’t feel like you’re accomplishing much,” Patrick says. “Most people don’t recognize that in the small acts of the day. For caregivers, the key is how do you not lose yourself in that process, and faith and spirituality help with that. It’s a matter of focusing on the being, not just the doing, because you are always doing for others.” 

Helping us be “whole”

Retired chaplain, Bruce Tamlyn, 72, of Silver Bay, New York, who has battled non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, believes that each person has the opportunity to influence their own healing and the healing and caregiving of others.

“I had to let go of so many things that I used to worry about when I was diagnosed,” Tamlyn says. “For me, it was an opportunity to deepen my life journey and ask what it means to love, to be present for people, how will I spend my time, and what’s important in my life?”

Tamlyn worries that today’s society doesn’t encourage us to be whole.

“There is so much emphasis on the external and on ‘stuff’ but that doesn’t make us feel whole. The word ‘shalom’ means peace in the Jewish culture, and it’s a wholeness and richness to our life, a mind-body-spirit way of understanding. If we don’t find that within us, we’re never going to find it externally.”

He views mindfulness as a beautiful part of caregiving; the ability to pray or quiet the mind to do the inner work and look at caregiving as an opportunity to be with the person and reframe the experience. “I’ve watched caregivers who talk about ‘one more bitter hour’ to stay and be a loving presence for the person who needs us. Mindfulness helps you try to look at this as an opportunity to be there for the person,” says Tamlyn. “People who say they have no faith or belief are on their own journey, and we have to respect and honor that. There is no judgment, especially in caregiving.”  

Amy Goyer, 63, AARP’s family and caregiving expert and moderator of the AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group on Facebook, sums up the importance of faith and spirituality in caregiving in the work of the author Anne Lamott, who writes frequently on faith. “When I was caregiving for my parents and sister, I would often use the prayer Anne wrote, which is perfect when you don’t have the words or energy,” she said. “It’s simply ‘HELP!’ ” Goyer still uses the simple prayer and finds it comforting. “I believe in a greater love that is always here to help. And it helps to ask!”

*Last name changed to protect privacy.