Why Did My Husband Tell Me About His One-Night Stand?

Moving past a betrayal is rough. Therapists lay out the steps to take — whether you stay together or not

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published October 24, 2024

an hour glass with a couple in bed inside of it with a woman standing on the outside

Kiersten Essenpreis

How would you feel if, out of the blue, your spouse confessed to having a one-night stand decades earlier? Angry? Confused? Jealous?

This week, a reader looks for guidance on how to deal with a gut-punch that has upended her relationship.

My husband of 50 years told me recently that he had a one-night stand with a colleague 40 years ago. He’s been struggling with anxiety and depression and told me he needed to be totally honest with me. I'm hurt, sad and, when I’m alone, I envision them together. How could he have done this? How do I forgive? How do I forget?

What a painful revelation, especially after so many years together. No wonder you feel slammed. Our sexuality experts say that the emotions you’re feeling — hurt, sadness and betrayal — are completely valid. "Big feelings,” certified sex therapist Nan Wise calls them.

Getting to the other side will involve a complex process of understanding, healing and, if you choose it, a rebuilding and renewal of the relationship, says psychologist Rachel Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, in West Palm Beach, Florida.

And don’t look for it to happen fast. "There will be ups and downs. Some days may feel like progress and others may feel like you’re back at square one," Needle adds. "Healing from betrayal is rarely straightforward.… The way you feel now is simply part of your journey through something very difficult."

First, a little context. The reason it’s so difficult for some people to heal is because there’s a shift in how you perceive your partner and your relationship, says sexuality educator Tameca N. Harris-Jackson. "It brings up a lot of questions: 'Who are you? Who are we?' That anxiety can start to spiral."

Questions to ask. All of our therapists recommend finding a couples therapist to help you and your husband unpack what’s happened.

The most pressing question, according to Wise: Why now?

As certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, director of Center for Love and Sex in New York City, frames it: "This seems more about his needing to absolve himself of guilty feelings.… Forty years ago, he wasn’t thinking of you but himself — and now he’s repeating it by burdening you."

Other topics that Wise suggests exploring:

What were the circumstances and feelings that led to the one-night stand?
Why withhold the secret all these years?
Are there other things he’s not telling you?
Tell him about the hurt, upset and distress that his confession has caused you. "All that needs to be discharged," Wise says.

"It’s important that your voice is heard," Needle adds.

Sidestep certain topics. There are questions to ask and there are questions you should avoid — chief among them: How was the sexual experience for you?

As Harris-Jackson puts it: “There are some details that aren’t helpful to ask about.... Often, answers to some questions can make it harder to move forward.”

Reflect on your partnership. How has your marriage evolved since the incident occurred? Chris Fariello, founder of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, says to "reflect on the overall trust and commitment in your relationship and how it has grown or changed over the years." And while it’s important to acknowledge the past, he suggests focusing on your current relationship and what can be done to strengthen it.

Think over what forgiveness means to you. Many wonderful marriages experience infidelity and are still able to make repairs to move forward, according to Allison Kent, a licensed clinical social worker with a focus on sexuality and relationships.

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But, she says, forgiveness is an ongoing process that will require an active effort on both your parts. In addition to couples therapy, Kent suggests that each of you consider individual counseling to help navigate this precarious chapter in your marriage.

Harris-Jackson warns against telling your husband you’ve forgiven him — if, in fact, you haven't. "That creates an open wound that will exist throughout the course of your relationship," she says.

And one final caveat from Cooper: It’s not incumbent on you to forgive your husband — and it’s unrealistic to think you’ll forget that he cheated.

"Potentially, it’s an opportunity for each of you to learn more about yourselves and what might be possible going forward — whether it’s remaining together or not."

If you do stay put, Cooper says to negotiate a "2.0 version" of what each of you wants your marriage to look like.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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